February 2012
24 posts
To Russia With Love
We regret to inform you that Which Uncle Touched You? will be going on hiatus for a couple of months while our main contributor goes to Russia to work on a film. Please pray that he returns with one of these:
And not one of these:
Yeah… people can make very questionable decisions in sub-zero temperatures.
Fascist Facebook
I am taking a few moments out of celebrating my birthday to deliver this message to the tools at Facebook: ”Take a big step back… and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE”. You deleted my page because of its title and because the main pic is of a drunk girl passed out on a deck chair (fully clothed, I might add). Seriously? When did Mussolini start working in your regulations...
Thick Or Fit?
Recently my girlfriend had been having some body-image issues. She’d put on a few pounds and was feeling very self-concious. Although I was having fun with the extra weight (bigger boobs), I understood that she wasn’t happy, so introduced her to a buddy of mine who’s a personal trainer. After a few months of hard-core workouts, strict dieting and a few supplements, the results...
The Comedy That Is Runyon
It always amazes me how ignorant people are about their dogs. I was finishing my hike today when I saw a woman’s dog snarl and lunge at another dog. The woman yelled at her dog, “Toby! No!” Then she said to the other animal’s owner,”I’m so sorry, I just don’t know what got into him!” Umm, he’s a fucking dog- that’s what got into...
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Maybe I Should Be A Valet
I met the most entertaining valet in the world the other night. My buddy and I came out of the restaurant, and I handed the valet guy my ticket. He looked at the ticket, then back at me and asked, “Which car is yours?” Now I’m no scientist, but I think you just match the numbers on my ticket with the corresponding numbers on a set of keys. Maybe he had a different method, and...
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Stealing Money From A Blind Guy On Valentine’s Day...
So I took the twenty-dollar bill from the Blind Guy, rang the sale and quickly gave him his change. Wait… was he watching me? If he indeed was a sex robot and not a blind guy, this could be a clue. I stared at him while he fumbled with the change to see if he would make a mistake and actually look at the money while he counted it instead of just feeling it. He looked in my general direction...
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Stealing Money From A Blind Guy On Valentine’s Day...
One of the most awkward moments of my life happened when we had an Anti-Valentine’s Day party at our bar. As you can imagine, most of the people that came in were sad, lonely alcoholics looking to drown their sorrows and “fuck the pain away” (Yes, I just quoted a Peaches song… check out Miss Piggy’s rendition). It being Hollywood, there were plenty of the aforementioned miscreants getting wasted...
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Who The Hell is Eddie Anderson? Episode III: Ten...
*If you missed Episode I or II, you can easily find them by scrolling down through earlier posts. If you’re all caught up with this saga, enjoy…
Pancakes said that she wanted to party with me after her shift was over, so I pulled out my phone to get her number. She quickly told me to put it back in my pants (not the first or last time I would hear that request that evening). Apparently...
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Worst. Criminals. Ever.
This is an actual email that I found in my junk folder today. The subject line of the email read: Mystery Shopper Vacancy!!! As it turned out it, this wasn’t an email about mystery shopping at all, but the worst attempt to steal money from people that I have seen since the Shake Weight. My comments are the indented paragraphs:
OFFICIAL LETTER FROM FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION...
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Are These Guys Vampires?
I was at a bar the other day when “Closer”, one of my favorite KOL tracks, started playing on the jukebox. My buddy Jared remarked how bad-ass the song was, and after I agreed, I asked, “You know it’s about vampires, don’t you?” Jared laughed and told me to fuck off. “No, I’m serious. Listen to the lyrics”. Jared listened for...
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Did Jon Voight’s Face Just Give Me A Boner?
I was watching Midnight Cowboy for the first time last week, and at first all I could think about was how young Jon Voight looked and how great a performance he was giving. Then, during the scene where he’s riding the bus to New York, they did a few close-ups on him, and I realized HOLY SHIT… he looks exactly like his daughter, Angelina Jolie. Don’t believe me? Check out these photos:
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Who The Hell Is Eddie Anderson? Episode II: The...
* If you missed Episode I, you can easily find it by scrolling down through my earlier posts. If you’ve already read the first installment, enjoy…
Laughing about our medieval conquests at the Excalibur, my two buddies and I strolled into one of the classiest joints in all the world- the Spearmint Rhino. We didn’t even get our initial drink orders placed before my friends disappeared into private...
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Newt Gingrich + Moon Base = Best Platform Ever...
… if you’re still twelve years old. So a couple of weeks ago Gingrich said, “… by the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon, and it will be American”. My brother and I were watching a re-run of The Daily Show segment where Jon Stewart rips Gingrich’s speech, and it made me realize that I haven’t given a flying-fuck...
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Who The Hell is Eddie Anderson? Episode I: A...
Being in Vegas for the Super Bowl, I got to thinking about all the absurd experiences I’ve had in this town, and I felt like now was an appropriate time to share one. A few years back, my sister and her fiance decided that they wanted to get married in Las Vegas. Awesome, right? Well, this is how my side of the conversation with my dad went when he called to tell me the news:
“Hell...
Denial Makes the Heart Grow Fonder - Episode III:...
* If you missed the previous episodes of this story, you can find them as earlier posts on this blog. If you’ve already read the other episodes, enjoy…
Just as I was sure Steve was going to call me an asshole and walk inside, a devilish smile spread across her face. She slid right up in front of me, pushed me forcefully against the garage wall and leaned in to whisper in my ear. My trusted...
Sin City + Super Bowl = Therapy
I am in Vegas for the big game, and for some strange reason, my clothes smell like body spray and there is glitter on my face. I wonder if they can get Bob Costas to do a segment on that phenomenon? If I am still alive tomorrow, I will deliver a pretty tasty blog.
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Denial Makes the Heart Grow Fonder - Episode II:...
* If you missed the first episode of this story, please find an earlier post on this blog entitled “Denial Makes the Heart Grow Fonder – Episode I: Sugar Tits’ Lair”. If you’ve already read the first episode, enjoy…
Bryant and I had been hoping that the situation would work itself out by the time we had to leave, but it hadn’t. The party was over, Steve had playfully mentioned the “slumber...
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Are You Sure God Wants You to Rub Your Vagina on...
So I was sitting around thinking about strippers and the Rubik’s Cube that is their collective psyche, when Creed’s “My Own Prison” came on my Pandora station (don’t you worry about how Creed got recommended for my station). As soon as I heard that unmistakable opening guitar riff, I started laughing… not because Scott Stapp is a complete d-bag (which he...
Tumblr Sucks My Balls
The site was down for hours, and now I am at work… Will have to make my post after 2 am. However, this totally counts as my post for today. Don’t hate me, hate Tumblr… They are the ones making you wait for the awesome post about strippers. Bastards.
January 2012
4 posts
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Is John Elway Becoming Gary Busey?
I recently noticed that John Elway’s face was deteriorating at an incredible pace. As he lost more hair and his face became more leathery, I realized that he was starting to bear a striking resemblance to Gary Busey. A quick Google search revealed that others agreed with this observation. This site has a good side-by-side comparison:
Battle of the Teeth
Terrifying. Don’t try to steal...
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Denial Makes the Heart Grow Fonder - Episode I:...
I was out with friends at a bar last night, and I was reminded of the comically tragic story of one of my past relationships. She was easily one of the five hottest women I have ever dated, and we shall refer to her only as Steve. It’s not that I’m worried she would read this and get pissed if I used her real name (she can’t read), but I just can’t seem to remember the name...
