So I took the twenty-dollar bill from the Blind Guy, rang the sale and quickly gave him his change. Wait… was he watching me? If he indeed was a sex robot and not a blind guy, this could be a clue. I stared at him while he fumbled with the change to see if he would make a mistake and actually look at the money while he counted it instead of just feeling it. He looked in my general direction an said, “It’s not polite to stare”. Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! What the fuck? I would have taken this as a sign that he was for sure a sex robot, but I’d seen people do that in movies, and movies are never wrong.
The bar was slammed so I quickly forgot about the Blind Guy that might have been a porn android sent from the future to kill me… or rape me, whichever he was programmed to do (and it absolutely would not stop… ever). After taking a few trips around the bar and helping several other customers, Blind Guy’s friend waved me over. Seriously? Blind Guy couldn’t possibly have finished his Corona yet… unless, he was pouring it out on the floor to hide the fact that he was a Rape-inator robot and couldn’t ingest liquids. Shit. I hope he and his master would at least have the decency to rape me somewhere secluded so I could act like it never happened (you know, like most of my ex-girlfriends did).
When I reached Blind Guy’s friend, he pointed to Blind Guy and said, “He wants to talk to you”. Okayyyyyy… was this now part of an After-School Special where we were supposed to learn that blind people should be treated just the same as the rest of us? Well, guess what? They shouldn’t be treated the same. You know why? Because THEY CAN’T FUCKING SEE. Ever play catch with a blind kid? Ever ask your blind buddy to be the Designated Driver? Ever thank the blind surgeon for saving your uncle’s life? No. They are no better or worse than anyone else, but there are certain things they shouldn’t be doing; at the top of that list is sitting at my bar pretending to be a Japanese-crafted sex robot.
He had a question? Fine. I would play along. He asked me how much beers cost at this bar, and I told him that imports cost $5.50. Why? “Well, then you didn’t give me enough change,” he replied. He then showed me the $4.50 that I had supposedly given him. He had handed me a twenty, so he should have received $14.50 in change. I looked at him (not directly) to see if this was a blind guy joke. He wasn’t smiling. I turned to his buddy, who also wasn’t amused. Shit. It was really busy, so maybe I thought I grabbed the two fives out of the register when I really didn’t. It was possible. So I gave him some more change, apologized, and continued around the bar. I didn’t feel too bad because it was an honest mistake- I would never steal from someone. Unless they were a rape-droid that had targeted me for molestation… but I had no proof of that… yet.
My next trip around the bar, Blind Guy’s friend stopped me again and pointed to the Blind Guy? What the fuck was up with these assholes? Now I was sure they were fucking with me. I was agitated and a bit scared so I addressed Blind Guy with an aggressive, “Yeah. Whaddaya need?”
BG: You still didn’t give me the right change.
Me: Yeah, I did.
BG: No, now you’ve only given me $9.50.
Me: Are you serious?
BG: Yes. See?
Me: Yeah. I’m the only one of us here that can see (I didn’t say that, but it would have been killer if I did).
I looked at the $9.50 on the bar.
Me: Are you sure there wasn’t another five in there?
I looked to Blind Guy’s friend, who couldn’t believe that I was questioning Blind Guy. Was that just a ploy to make me feel bad so I would give them an extra five? Was this how this sick bastard made money- by parading around his sex robot as a blind guy and then guilting unsuspecting bartenders into giving them extra money, because they wouldn’t have the nerve to accuse a blind person of being a thief? Blind People are different from us in that they can’t see, but I’m sure some of them can be assholes just like the rest of us (Exhibit A). So was this a nice blind guy, a sadistic blind guy, or the C-3P0 of rape? I wasn’t sure, but I had to make a decision about the money.
I chose the safe route. I gave the Blind Guy another five, apologized and said I would buy him his next beer. He acted surprised and grateful to hear my offer (damn this robot was good with facial expressions!). I walked away and thought about the situation- man, I really wasn’t trying to steal from this rape-bot/blind guy, but it really appeared like I was. If he wasn’t tricking me, I had given him the wrong change… twice (I could just see the Yelp reviews). Soon after I gave him his free beer, the Blind Guy got up and had his friend/master lead him out the door. Had I been swindled? Who cares… it was only ten dollars. Plus, I didn’t get raped by a sex robot on Valentine’s Day. So all in all, it turned out to be a pretty decent night.